You know that scene in The Simpsons where we finally get a glimpse inside Homer’s closet to find it’s just a hundred sets of white shirts and blue pants? Well, if we men were left to our own devices, that’s what all our closets would look like. We don’t tend to shop for clothes, and when we do, we stick to the comfortable and familiar rather than take a risk on something that could potentially make us look like Zoolander. We just don’t trust our own taste enough to make that kind of decision. That’s why we need you— our spouses and partners, to help us. Is that childish? Of course it is! But come on, we all remember the day we showed up to middle school in a hot pink G&S windbreaker we thought made us look “hella cool,” only to have Dan Parrish say it looked like a scratch ‘n sniff sticker, don’t we, guys? It turned us into scaredy cats.
But here’s the secret— If someone we trust gives us something stylish to wear, we LOVE it. It’s like a stamp of approval. A green light. It takes the pressure off because we didn’t pick it out. Someone with actual taste did. We can wear it with pride. And with the holidays upon us, now is the perfect time to finally glow up our wardrobe. So this year, get a little risky with your dude’s apparel— push him out of his Homer-mode but assure him he won’t look like a Zoolander. He’s not gonna do it himself. And trust me, he’ll thank you for it. If he doesn’t, you can blame me— I’m hella fast in my aerodynamic pink windbreaker and can outrun him when he comes to exact revenge.
J.Crew T-Shirt: J. Crew knows how to get the essentials right— a quality tee that fits right and will last forever. Give me a pocket on my T-shirt, please and thank you. I have many colors of this shirt.
Best Flannel Ever: This is the softest, coziest flannel I’ve ever worn. I would wear it every day if my pits didn’t stink it up so much.
Waterproof Shoe: It rains a lot here in Portland. These keep the feet cozy and dry even when there’s an atmospheric river pouring down.
Oxford Button-Down: I have the green version, and it’s my go-to date night shirt.
Taylor Stitch T-Shirt: I break this t-shirt out for special occasions. It’s got that casual-yet-special vibe that is hard to find, and looks more expensive than it is.
DU/ER No Sweat Pants: These are my go-to pants; I wear them almost every day. There’s a little stretch to them, which makes them super comfy, and they go with everything. A good option for someone who needs to break out of the ‘I only wear jeans’ mindset.
Camp Pants: These babies are thicc. They feel like you could walk through walls without a scratch. But they’re good-looking enough to wear to dinner parties.
Rollneck Sweater: This looks good on any man and will make him feel like a salty sailor. Right after we took these pictures, I stole a tugboat and hit the high seas with a pipe in my mouth.
Jeans: I didn’t know jeans could feel indestructible. These from Taylor Stitch are like Apex Predator jeans. Not too tight, not super baggy, they win the denim game.
Workhorse Hooded Jacket: This thing is my number one winner this year. It’s tough and rugged with a waxed, water-resistant finish, but it’s stylish enough to make me want to wear it everywhere.
Iron Ranger Boots: I put these on every year. Nothing feels more badass than wearing these boots. Your man will love them.
Cardigan: This thing rules. Everyone who sees it asks me where it’s from. It feels like a warm hug from your grandpa. And it’s so well-made, I think I’ll still have it when I’m a grandpa.
Henley: Emily compliments me every time I wear the black version of this. For that reason, I bought four more in different colors. Lots of places to find Henley’s, but J. Crew is my fave.
Nike Shorts: I have these in 5 and 7 inches. They’re amazing. And the built-in leggings mean you don’t need to wash as many undies. It’s time to set the upper-dude-thigh free!
A&F Sweatshirt: By far the softest, stretchiest, best-looking hoodie I own. It’s a huge step up from the Hanes zip-up I used to wear.
Lakeside Jacket: Love this casual, lightweight jacket. It can be worn over a button-up for a date night or over a t-shirt for a boys’ night.
Nikes: These are the perfect “casual but not-too-casual” shoes. I can literally wear them to any function and feel confident.
Slippers: Don’t get these if you aren’t into the feeling of walking on fluffy clouds. They’re so comfy and cozy, I wish I could wear them out to dinner or the grocery store. I mean, I guess I could try, Lebowski did, right?
Bluetooth Headphones: These babies have been my go-to for years. I use them to drown out yard-work, plane rides, and middle-schoolers chanting “6-7!” They are much cleaner and noise-reducing than others I’ve tried. And cheaper than the “Beats” version.
Poker Set: A starter poker set that I play with my 12-year-old son (and he has now taught his friends poker). Whoops! The chips are heavy and sturdy and feel expensive for the price point. Plus, the metal case makes you feel like a gangster.
Theragun: I’ve heard the key to longevity is doing heavy squats. Whoever came up with that theory should get a punch in the privates. Squats suck. But I do them anyway. And when I’m sore, I use the Theragun to relax after, it’s a must-have for old-fart jocks like myself.
Incredible Office Chair: I went through THREE office chairs before finding this one. It’s by far the best for the price point— stylish, comfy, adjustable, and easy to assemble. It looks vintage without being try-hard.
Mug Warmer: I have the woodgrain version (I use my own ceramic mug), not the one included. Keeps coffee hot for hours and is MUCH cheaper than some others out there. I can’t believe it took me so long to use one of these.
Standing Desk Top: When I’m writing for hours and my butt needs a break, I pop this baby on my desk and stand up to get some new energy. It’s also easy to fold up and tuck away when not being used.
Viral Slim Wallet: Two of our guy friends SWEAR by this wallet (scammers can’t get CC #, heavy, and stores all cards safely). I want one in my stocking.
Best Fountain Pen: Hear me out – I know a fountain pen seems a little ridiculous, but my buddy gave me one when I graduated from my writing program, and I will never write with anything else. Something about scratching out notes with a fountain pen is such a vibe. It’s not messy like you’d think, just baller.
Leather Double-Sided Card Holder: A classic wallet that is very thin and chic. It holds cards on the sides and cash in the middle. No more Costanza cheek.
Backpack Cooler: Invaluable. This will be used on every outing. It’s big enough to fit everyone’s drinks and lunches, and comfy enough to hike with for hours.
Can Insulator: Must have for the beer or soda drinker in your life. Keeps your cold ones cold for hours. I was skeptical, but they really work.
Electric Mower: All these power tools use the same interchangeable battery, so you can mix and match between the tools. The batteries are very powerful and last longer than you’d expect. If I had a garage with all these in it, I’d be stoked to do yardwork every Sunday.
Electric Blower: We use this a LOT during the fall season.
Electric Multi-Tool: This thing has so many uses around the yard. It’s like a Swiss Army knife for chores.
Electric Power Washer: Who doesn’t need a good power washer? And think of all the Christmas morning water fights!
Solo Stove: We use this all the time. I get to feel like a man by chopping wood, then get to stay manly when it makes the smoke disappear and my eyes don’t tear up.
Rechargeable Flashlight: Long-lasting, cool-looking. Reviews are great, and I can always use a reliable flashlight.
Foldable Rocker: If you’re still sitting on a non-rocking lawn chair at your kid’s games, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Cooking
Smash Burger Press: I know there’s starting to be a push-back on smash burgers, but they’re still my fave to eat and to make. Roll some meatballs up, toss ’em on the flattop, and smash with this press. Makes a perfect burger every time.
Oven Mitts: I used to joke about all the torn and worn-out oven mitts in our kitchen— these have changed the game. They’re grippy, heat-resistant, and manly. Yes, Chef!
BBQ Books: Emily gifted me these BBQ books for my birthday, and I can’t wait to crack them open. They’re from the most legendary Austin BBQ restaurant I’ve ever been to.
Meater Thermometer: Best way to cook the perfect steak, turkey, or chicken. Dudes like apps, and this is more high-tech and precise than the traditional meat thermometer.
Weatherproof Speaker: We got this for backyard parties, but use it for everyday stuff- the sound is really great, especially the bass, it’s waterproof, and my kids love the light show it makes (you can switch that off if you want).
Leatherman Multitool: The new color-ways on these babies make them a must-have. Just imagine how cool you’ll feel with this thing clipped to your belt loop.
Monogrammed Canvas Weekend Bag: What a serious deal. Fantastic looking bag and a great price. Plus, you can put my initials on it? I’m in.
Beard Trimmer: I haven’t fully shaved in like decades. This is the best trimmer I’ve found, hands down. It never snags and keeps its charge longer than any of the others.
Dopp Kit: A good toiletry kit is a must-have. I got the small one for Charlie to use on sleepovers and camping trips, and I use the leather one to hide all my gross bathroom stuff while traveling
Dr. Squatch Deodorant: I’m a sweaty dude, and unfortunately, I wore deodorant that had aluminum in it for most of my life, so I’ll probably grow metal plates in my pits eventually, but luckily, there are many natural options now. Their soap is also great.
Curl Balm: Did you notice my hair in the picture? I’ve been trying to run from my curly hair since I was in high school, because I wanted straight hair like Jordan Catalano. But now I’m embracing my curls, and this evo curl balm is pretty awesome; it also helps make my hair look thicker, which is huge for those of us who are thinning.
Nutrafol: Speaking of thinning, I take a Nutrafol every day, and I wish I had started years ago. I have definitely noticed a difference.
Fart Builder: I know, it’s juvenile, but trust me, your husband wants this. It’s a funny gag gift for the stocking. The kids will love it too.
Custom Hat: This one is really special— you can emboss a high-quality hat with anything you want. I’ve made hats with my dogs’ names or our kids’ elementary school. Make a custom hat with his favorite thing or slogan on it.
Bidet: Another weird one, but honestly, it’s a home run. We had a bidet at the Mountain House, and I miss it so much.
That’s all I’ve got this year. I hope it helps you with your dude-centric gift-giving. I know I’d be stoked to find any of these things beneath the tree. Then I could take the tree outside and chop it up, and blow it away with my new electric tools.
Happy Holidays!
*Photos by Kaitlin Green