I thought it was important to speak on my own experiences, if I’m asking the same of others. The weight of anxiety and depression has always felt constant, and it was hard to see a way out.
It took me several years to open up to my family about how much I was struggling with my mental health – I felt alone and isolated and had no safe space to turn to.
It was a very taboo subject, and the majority of people are unsure how to react to someone going through these struggles due to the lack of education.
In my mind, I was a burden to everyone around me. I completely lost myself and who I was. The only comfort I felt was in the form of self-harm, which I continued to struggle with for a number of years.
No child should have to resort to hurting themselves, but unfortunately, I did – this led to suicidal thoughts to the point I had decided that was my only option.
Luckily, one outlet during these complex times was actually my dog Coco. She brought a lot of comfort and support at a time when I had no one else to turn to.
My anxiety and depression very quickly started to affect my body image and how I viewed myself. I slowly learnt that one thing I could control was my weight. I was living in what felt like hell.
I would restrict myself, hide food from family to pretend I had eaten it, and if I did have any ounce of food, then I would immediately make myself sick and take a laxative. It was the unhealthiest I had ever been, but I did not care as long as the scales continued to drop.
I was now at a point where I was battling 3 different illnesses that all craved a different outcome, and I was fighting it alone.
This continued until my sister-in-law and sister noticed and encouraged me to speak up. It was the hardest thing I had done, and it made me realise how unwell I was.
They showed me that healing was possible and I deserved to be happy.
It was a complicated journey of opening up about what had been happening. It is extremely hard to explain the extent mental health affects your day-to-day life.
I expected it to be an instant lift off my shoulder, but unfortunately, this was not the case.
After talking to both medical professionals and several different counsellors, the darkness did not seem to be shifting, there was no real knowledge on how to deal with how I was feeling.
I was very quickly given antidepressants, which I massively relied on for the next several years. I also got put in contact with the eating disorder services via my GP.
Unfortunately, after very little time of meeting with them on a weekly basis, they based my treatment on how much I weighed instead of what I was mentally feeling.
Once I reached what they saw as a ‘healthy weight’, I was told they did not need to see me anymore, even though I was still suffering mentally.
This proved to me how highly physical health is held in comparison to mental health.
I felt that everywhere I turned, I could not be helped. My anxiety was eating into every aspect of my life, and I felt that no one around me understood. I felt incompetent and lost all independence.
I could not understand why my own mind was fighting me in every way. I was completely exhausted.
However, one thing that upset and angered me most throughout all of this was the thought of someone else feeling the way I had been feeling.
I turned that anger into the passion of advocating for mental health – I want to fight for the people who no longer can or who can’t fight for themselves.
I am far from healed, and I still to this day struggle massively, but one difference I have noticed is that when I feel myself going back into dark spaces is that I want to get out of them now.
I finally feel lucky to be waking up in the mornings instead of wishing I didn’t.
My own experiences have fueled my passion to ensure no one feels alone in their journey.
I have 3 beautiful nieces and I want the future of mental health to be different for them.
The stigma, lack of understanding, and limited access to care can evidently make a difficult situation even harder. Which is why I have chosen to support MQ’s mission – thanks to organisations like MQ, things are slowly changing. The more we know, the better we can provide support and the correct treatment for people struggling with conditions.
This is what makes MQ unique: their commitment to using science and research to uncover the roots of mental illness. The research they provide can make a real difference in people’s lives. It is crucial to create an environment where people feel safe to seek help and speak openly about their mental health.
MQ helps break the stigma and stand up for the changes that need to happen. They are creating a world where everyone, regardless of their background, feels empowered to seek help and talk about their mental health openly.
As much progress as charities like MQ have made, there’s still so much to be done. Mental health research is underfunded compared to other areas of medicine, and that’s why donations and fundraising are crucial.