My teenage years were marred by mental illness. The seedlings of quirky childhood behaviour bloomed as I entered adolescence, and for years, I endured breakdowns, pain, and psych appointments. To quote my beloved My Chemical Romance, I was not okay.
And then I was.
I tested a plethora of medications to see what worked, I did what the doctors told me to do, and I attended all my therapy appointments. I made it through, and by the time I was in my early 20s, I proudly referred to myself as recovered. However, there was a catch to my confidence. During my dark times, I had self-harmed pretty badly, and scars littered my arms and legs. No matter how recovered I felt, my body was not going to let me forget about my illness.
Having self-harm scars is complex and often confusing. There is shame and embarrassment. Envy for those who can dress in hot weather without second-guessing. Guilt over my future self, the person who has to live with what I have done. Fearful of moments when acquaintances notice and inquire. But also sometimes a hint of pride. Look at how mad I once was. Look how good I am doing now.
Over the years, I have thought a lot about my scars. I mean, what else can I do? They are there, on me, every day. However, a lot of discourse surrounding self-harm scars doesn’t work for me. It often seems like we have two options: to refer to them as our battle scars or to claim they represent a past self. A person we once were, but we aren’t anymore. These options don’t help me process what I actually feel about the scars that cover my body. And that is where body neutrality comes in.
Why they aren’t my war wounds
At first, I tried to come to peace with my scars through empowerment and positivity. Why should I be ashamed of my scars, just because it was I who put them there? Scars are our stories, whether they are scars on our knees from falling off a bike when we were a child, or scars on our arms from a period of mental illness.
If you have self-harm scars, you may have heard of people referring to them as war wounds or battle scars. This type of language at first seems attractive and somewhat empowering. I did battle, and I did feel as if I was at war with my mind. Perhaps we should view our scars as proof of what we have overcome. Proof that we were ill and now we are not. We won the battle, and so we must be proud of our scars.
But, no. I don’t think pride is the main emotion I feel towards my scars. Positivity and pride surrounding self-harm scars feel phony to me. I feel it does not truly heal the emotional wounds associated with self-harm scars. Rather, this empowering language is sticking a colourful band-aid over the issue.
Plus, equating mental illness with wars and battles can become problematic. If someone dies from their mental health issues, is it simply because they did not battle hard enough?
My past self is still a part of me
Another way I have attempted to deal with the emotions I feel regarding my self-harm scars is denial and distance. When new friends and lovers have inquired about them, I have said, “Oh, it was years ago. I was a different person.” I have told myself, and been told by mental health blogs and Instagram accounts online, that my scars do not define me. I am not my scars.
It feels safe to try to distance yourself from your self-harm scars. You fear judgment from others, but you also fear the badness returning. By telling myself it was an old version of me, one that didn’t exist anymore, I was attempting to trick my brain into never getting ill again.
Yet, it seems irresponsible to do this. To deny that my scars are a part of me is to ultimately deny my mental illness, which could end badly.
What is body neutrality?
The way we approach our self-harm scars is totally down to us and what helps us navigate our feelings about them. But for me, I only started to really process the complexity of my emotions when I heard about body neutrality. Learning about this radical way of viewing our bodies allowed me to view my scars in a new and kind of liberating way.
Body neutrality asks us to accept our bodies and all the complicated feelings we have towards them. Instead of focusing on loving every part of ourselves, body neutrality simply says we have a physical form, but this isn’t that important. It is just one part of who we are, and we are so much more.
Unlike body positivity, body neutrality emphasizes acceptance over love. We don’t have to think we are incredibly beautiful; we just have to respect our bodies and what they do for us. And, this seems like a much more achievable approach. I am overweight with chronic pain and self-harm scars. I am going to find bits of my body annoying, unlovable, and frankly, frustrating!
Viewing scars through a body neutrality lens
Body neutrality gives me a space to explore the emotions I have regarding my body, both good and bad. I am not reciting positive affirmations about my beautiful, big body, and I am not claiming to be happy or proud about the scars that cover my arms and legs. I am able to accept the feelings I have towards myself and go: okay, it’s okay to feel like that. I don’t have to love myself every single day. Thank god, because that is kind of exhausting, right?
Self-harm scars are a source of shame for me and many people. I cannot trick myself into being positive about them, but I can try my best to be neutral and accept all the ways they make me feel. For me, body positivity added more shame to my thinking. I am supposed to love every inch of myself, so why am I being so negative?
When we approach our scars through a body neutrality lens, we are also shifting the focus away from our physical appearance. The way we look is just one part of ourselves, and we must try to concentrate more on our strength, resilience, and power.
How to practice body neutrality when you have self-harm scars
Body neutrality asks us to accept our scars and all the feelings we have towards them, which can feel pretty daunting! However, I have found that journaling is a great way to explore all my emotions. Get it all out, every thought you have about your scars. Express your anger, your guilt, your regret. It is okay to think bad thoughts about your scars. Your scars are a reminder of an extremely tough time. Write it all down, and you may start feeling a little lighter.
While journaling, you may also wish to direct your attention to other parts of your mental health journey that you feel good about. It is easy to get preoccupied with scars, as we see them every day. But what about the things we can’t see straight away? Can you leave the house, can you wash yourself, can you cook a nice meal? These are huge milestones when it comes to recovery, and you need to celebrate them!
If you cover up your scars, it may be helpful to start wearing short sleeves around the house or outside. One of the reasons I struggled with so much negativity towards my scars was that I felt I always had to consider them when it came to outfits. I always used to stick with long sleeves, even if that meant I had to sweat and suffer in hot weather. I felt like I was trapped. So, I started to be more naked in my home to feel more comfortable about seeing them. Then, when I was ready, I started to have them out in public. And, it wasn’t as dramatic as I thought it would be!
When I began to accept my relationship with my scars through body neutrality, I started to accept that other people may have negative thoughts about them, too. For me, the fear of comments from strangers or acquaintances meant I always covered up. But, as body neutrality taught me that my scars are just such a small part of who I am, does it matter if people stare or ask? Plus, I feel pretty gross about them sometimes, so why does it matter if a stranger does, too?!
I won’t lie, I still get anxious and embarrassed. A child in my family recently asked about them, and this stung. But she has also asked me about my cool trousers, my wild cats, and my favorite holidays. And this is it — I am not just my scars, I am my style, my family, my adventures, my love for animals, and so much more.
I am still processing my relationship with my scars, and I honestly feel I always will be. I will have good days when I feel confident about how I look and wear a swimsuit on the beach. But, I will have days when I just want to wear a huge hoodie and never see my body again. Thankfully, body neutrality tells me that this is okay. Every feeling is valid, and we do not have to be proud of our scars (and our recovery) every single day.