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Who pays on the first date?
It’s a simple question with surprisingly deep roots.
On the surface, it’s about dinner. But just beneath? Identity, expectation, masculinity, femininity, capitalism, patriarchy—and how all of these forces quietly script our love lives.
In this article, I aim to expose the underlying dynamics of modern dating economics. We’ll explore both conservative and feminist/Marxist perspectives, and we’ll look at how different cultures (especially in Europe) are rewriting the rules.
🧠 The Real Question Isn’t Who Pays—It’s Who Owes
In traditional dating advice, men are often told:
“If you don’t pay, you’re not a real man.”
Conservatives argue this is part of being a provider—a way to show strength, generosity, and respect.
But feminist thinkers push back:
Why is financial provision still expected from men, while emotional labor is silently expected from women?
According to a 2019 Pew Research Center study, 76% of women in the U.S. say men should pay on the first date, and many men agree. But this isn’t universal.
🇸🇪 In Scandinavia, Splitting the Bill is Expected
In Sweden, the concept of jämställdhet (gender equality) is deeply woven into social norms. Paying for a date is often seen as a shared responsibility, and many women insist on splitting the bill, not out of awkwardness, but out of principle.
📊 According to a 2020 study by the Swedish Agency for Youth and Civil Society (MUCF), over 70% of young Swedish women feel uncomfortable when a man insists on paying.
In the Netherlands, Dutch dating culture encourages a practice known as “going Dutch.” While jokingly stereotyped as stingy, it’s rooted in a sense of fairness.
💼 The Economics of Romance: Who Pays Long-Term?
The first date is symbolic—but the real “cost” of a relationship isn’t the bill, it’s what happens over time.
- Conservative Viewpoint: The man provides, the woman nurtures. Roles are clear.
- Feminist Viewpoint: That model reinforces economic dependency and undervalues unpaid domestic work.
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild explored this in The Second Shift, showing that even in dual-income homes, women often do twice as much unpaid work. In France, a 2017 INSEE report confirmed this: women spend more than 3 hours per day on domestic tasks, compared to 2 hours for men.
Even in Sweden, ranked as one of the most gender-equal countries, women still shoulder more emotional labor, especially in heterosexual relationships.
🧱 Marxist Insights: Dating Mirrors Capitalism
Let’s go deeper.
Feminist-Marxist writers like Silvia Federici argue that romantic relationships in capitalist systems often replicate exploitation:
“Women’s affection becomes emotional labor, men’s money becomes currency for dominance.”
This shows up in:
- The expectation that men must “prove” their worth financially.
- The stereotype that women “gold dig” or use their beauty as bargaining power.
- The pressure on both genders to conform to marketable roles (the “high-value man,” the “perfect 10”).
🔁 Platforms Reinforce Power Structures
Dating apps amplify these roles. They claim to give users freedom, but their algorithms filter by age, income, appearance, and education, quantifying human connection.
A 2018 study by Oxford Internet Institute showed that online dating reinforces racial and socioeconomic biases, especially in the U.S. and the U.K.
In short, we don’t just date individuals—we date through systems.
🇩🇪🇫🇷 Gender and Money Across Europe
In Germany, the shift toward financial equality is a gradual process. A 2022 study by Statista found that 58% of German couples split bills by the third date—but many still expect men to pay the initial bill.
In France, chivalry is more culturally embedded, but younger generations—especially in cities like Paris and Lyon—are challenging those norms.
A 2021 French YouGov survey found that over 40% of Gen Z women prefer to split the bill or alternate between them.
🔄 Who Pays—and Who Pays Later?
Let’s be honest: even if men pay early on, women often “pay” in other ways.
- Time spent on grooming, messaging, and emotional support
- Taking responsibility for communication, planning, and relationship maintenance
- Emotional resilience after breakups
In both conservative and progressive systems, the burden rarely vanishes—it just changes form.
🧾 So… What Are We Really Paying For?
When someone picks up the check, it’s rarely just about money.
It’s about:
- Signaling interest
- Performing gender roles
- Negotiating power
- Responding to invisible expectations
Some women feel respected when a man pays. Others feel objectified. Some men feel proud to pay. Others feel trapped in a role they didn’t choose.
Both can be true, depending on where you’re standing.
FAQs
Should men always pay on the first date?
Cultural norms vary. In places like Sweden and the Netherlands, splitting the bill is a common and respectful practice. In other regions, paying can symbolize tradition or gender roles, but there’s no universal rule.
Why is money such a big issue in dating?
Money often represents power, control, or care in a relationship. Expectations around finances usually reflect deeper beliefs about masculinity, femininity, and fairness.
What does feminism say about dating and money?
Feminists argue that traditional financial roles often perpetuate inequality and place undue burdens on emotional labor. True equality means discussing money transparently and respecting each other’s contributions.
How does capitalism affect modern dating?
Capitalist systems often commodify relationships, prompting people to evaluate partners based on “market value”—such as looks, status, and income—rather than emotional connection or compatibility.
Is it still romantic to split the bill?
Absolutely. In many cultures, splitting costs is seen as respectful, balanced, and reflective of mutual interest, not a lack of romance.
💬 Final Thoughts
Modern dating isn’t just shaped by personality or compatibility—structures shape it. By capitalism. Patriarchy. Culture. Class. History.
The “money myth” isn’t going away anytime soon. But the more we recognize these patterns, the freer we become to write new ones.
Let’s talk about it.👇
🔗 Further Reading & Sources:
Happy Dating!
Rickard