How to Manage Anxious Attachment in Dating
By Madison Wise, LPC Associate
Quick Summary:
Dating with an anxious attachment style often involves a fear of rejection, overanalyzing communication, and a strong need for reassurance. These patterns can lead to emotional highs and lows, especially when paired with avoidant partners.
Key strategies for managing anxious attachment include:
- Grounding techniques
- Setting a comfortable dating pace
- Building distress tolerance
- Practicing self-compassion
- Seeking support.
Developing secure relationships is possible through clear communication, reflection, and learning to respond rather than react to triggers.
Understanding Anxious Attachment in Early Dating
Anxious attachment often emerges early in the dating process, making the uncertainty that comes naturally with getting to know someone feel overwhelming. Common traits include:
- Fear of abandonment or rejection
- Obsessive rumination about texts, tone, or timing
- Hypervigilance about connection and emotional responsiveness
It often traces back to inconsistent caregiving in childhood—leading you to be preoccupied with connection in adulthood. If you have an avoidant attachment style, know that your avoidant behaviors arose in the first place as an adaptive response to your environment—they were a way to keep you safe in times of uncertainty and disconnection. They were protective at a time when distance in close relationships was beneficial to you.
Why You May Be Attracted to Avoidant Partners
Those with anxious attachment often find themselves drawn to avoidant individuals—a dynamic that can spiral into chase-and-withdrawal cycles known as the “anxious‑avoidant trap.” This may intensify anxiety rather than soothe it.
Avoidant attachment manifests as emotional distance, fear of vulnerability, and resistance to intimacy or commitment. If you’re repeatedly feeling rejected or abandoned by early dating partners, this may be why.
How to Manage Anxious Attachment in Dating
1. Notice When You’re Creating Distance in Your Relationships in Your Mind
People with avoidant tendencies often use “deactivating strategies” to maintain emotional distance. These are mental habits that downplay the importance of a relationship as a way of protecting yourself from potential pain.
Examples:
- “They’re not that great anyway.”
- “I should be fine alone forever.”
- “They’re too clingy.”
If you notice yourself doing this, pause. Acknowledge that this is a defense mechanism. It’s not “bad,” but it’s worth noticing. Then gently bring your attention back to your body, your breath, and your surroundings. Grounding yourself in the present can help interrupt that spiral. Check out this post for more detailed information about deactivation strategies.
2. Move at a Pace That Feels Comfortable
If you tend to rush in quickly—texting constantly, spending all your free time with someone new—only to feel overwhelmed later, it’s okay to slow things down.
Ask yourself:
- How much time do I want to give to dating this week?
- What helps me feel like myself?
- What pace allows me to stay grounded?
Make space for your other priorities—friends, hobbies, rest.
Communicate your needs clearly: “I’m really enjoying getting to know you, and I also want to take my time and not lose myself in something new.”
3. Increase Your Distress Tolerance
Dating brings up a lot of vulnerability. It can feel cringey. Uncomfortable. Even painful. Instead of reacting impulsively to these feelings, build your ability to tolerate emotional discomfort.
Here’s how:
- Pause and check in with yourself. Close your eyes and notice the sensations in your body. Name the feeling (name it to tame it), take a deep breath, and release.
- Move your body. This is a great way to release energy and dispel discomfort. Take a walk, jump up and down, wiggle your fingers and toes—whatever is accessible to you at the moment. Focus on the physical sensations and remind yourself you’re safe in your body as you do it.
- Offer yourself a gentle touch. Place your hands over your heart, or place one hand over your heart and one hand on the side of your face. Self-touch can help your nervous system regulate back to a place of calm.
- If the feelings are too intense to sit with, distract yourself. Watch your favorite show or scroll through your favorite feel-good social media account. Bonus points if it can make you laugh.
The more you practice staying with discomfort, the less reactive you become—and the more confident you’ll feel navigating dating.
4. Take Space When You Need It
Needing space is not a flaw. It’s a form of self-care. But for people with anxious attachment, asking for space can feel risky—like the other person might leave.
5. Talk Back to Your Inner Critic
The anxious brain can be brutal. You might think:
- “I’m too much.”
- “No one ever stays.”
- “I’ll always be alone.”
These thoughts aren’t facts—they’re fear. Practice talking back:
- “That’s not true. I am lovable.”
- “This fear doesn’t mean I’m failing—it means I care.”
- “Thanks, inner critic, but I don’t need you right now.”
You might also try saying: “I’m doing the best I can. I’m learning. I’m allowed to take up space.”To go a little deeper, pepper in some self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas has written loads on this—check out this YouTube video and browse her website to learn more.
6. Reflect on the Secure Relationships You Already Have
Not all your connection needs to come from romantic relationships. You likely already have people in your life who offer safety and warmth.
Try this:
- Think of someone who listens without judgment.
- Recall a time someone apologized and repaired a mistake.
- Notice how you feel when you’re truly seen by a friend or family member.
These moments are evidence that secure attachment is possible—and that you are worthy of it. Dr. Rick Hanson expands on this concept in this podcast episode.
7. Consider Multi-Dating
Ethically, of course. It’s common for someone with an anxious attachment style to start to feel, well, attached early in the dating process before there have been conversations about expectations or the chance to really gauge compatibility. One way to ease the pressure of making it work with a new love interest is to have a few love interests.
Don’t rush to make things work with someone you’re still getting to know. Take your time getting to know a few different people, see what works, what doesn’t, and be honest with yourself and them about what you want and need.
Important note: Be honest. Respect everyone’s boundaries. And check in with yourself—multi-dating is a strategy, not a solution.
8. Practice Healthy Conflict
It’s scary. But facing conflict in relationships can actually be a good thing. No two people are ever going to get along perfectly all the time. If you notice anxious tendencies in yourself, pay attention to dating situations where you feel pulled to neglect your own wants and needs in favor of keeping the relationship peaceful.
Challenge yourself to be more authentic in your communication with your dating partners, even if that means there may be disagreement. This will give you a chance to get to know one another and learn more about how the other person handles conflict.
9. Practice Self-Compassion
If you’re struggling to maintain your composure or feel secure when dating, then give yourself some grace. Remind yourself that you’re doing your best, you’re trying to learn new ways of relating to others, it’s a little scary, you’re struggling, and that’s ok. You’re not alone in this, and you deserve the same compassion from yourself that you would give to one of your friends in a similar situation.
10. Get Support
Dating with anxious attachment doesn’t mean you’re broken—it just means you’re wired for connection. Therapy can help you better understand your patterns, identify compatibility issues early, and regulate your nervous system.
At Just Mind, our therapists use a variety of evidence-based modalities like:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
- EMDR
- Interpersonal Neurobiology
- Somatic Experiencing
You deserve a connection that feels safe, reciprocal, and deeply satisfying. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
What If the Person You’re Dating Is Avoidant?
If someone is emotionally distant, slow to reply, or avoids vulnerability, remember: that may reflect their avoidant attachment—not your worth. Signs include:
- Keeping conversations surface-level
- Retreating from emotional closeness
- Hesitation to commit or plan ahead
Rather than trying to fix or engage them emotionally, prioritize your clarity and boundaries.
How to Date Another Anxiously Attached Person
It is possible to date someone who also has an anxious attachment style – but it often requires intentional growth to avoid mutual anxiety spirals. Useful strategies include:
- Open, empathetic communication
- Setting clear boundaries
- Offering reassurance while holding each other accountable
- Encouraging autonomy and independent self-soothing
Tools to Build Attachment Security
Here are practical tools to help you develop greater security in dating:
- Mindfulness and somatic work to soothe anxiety
- Therapy or self-reflection to explore underlying patterns
- Self-reassurance and affirmations to build self-worth
- Clear, gentle communication about your needs rather than expecting others to guess
These practices can help you respond more intentionally instead of reacting from anxiety. Below is a quick guide to common triggers, the emotional response they can cause, and strategies you can use to navigate them more securely:
|
Trigger |
Response |
What you can do |
|
Obsessive rumination about dates/texts |
Anxiety, uncertainty |
Notice patterns, journal, redirect |
|
Delayed replies from partners |
Fight-or-flight reactions |
Pause before responding, self-soothe |
|
Falling for emotionally distant dates |
Chasing attachment |
Recognize avoidant patterns, set limits |
|
Two anxious styles together |
Emotional amplification |
Communicate, reassure, establish boundaries |
If dating feels overwhelming and you’re noticing patterns you want to change, working with a therapist can help. At Just Mind, our counselors are here to support you in understanding your attachment style, building emotional resilience, and creating more secure, connected relationships.
You don’t have to do this alone—reach out to get started with therapy.
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