I never expected a knock at my door to change everything. Five years after my divorce, I thought I’d finally found love again. Instead, I learned just how easy it is to miss red flags and how powerful it can be to rediscover self-love after betrayal.
I met someone offline. Someone who had been quietly part of my life for years. One day as my son sat getting his hair cut, the barber and I clocked eyes and looked at each other differently.
Before you know it, he’s asked me out and we had our first date on New Year’s Eve. By February, we were hiking in Spain. Everything moved quickly. Too quickly. And looking back, the warning signs were there but I missed them!
Red Flags and Love Bombing
What is love bombing? It’s when someone overwhelms you with grand gestures, constant attention, or gifts early on, not out of genuine love, but as a way to gain control or fast-track intimacy.
Love bombing is one of the biggest red flags in dating, but at the time, I just rolled with it as I was so wrapped up in all the ‘nice to haves’.
- The tattoo: Six weeks in, he inked my initials on his hand. I was furious at the time and he was surprised by my reaction, thinking I’d be impressed with such a grand gesture. It led to a long conversation that night about our relationship feeling like a bullet train. I warned him that it was all too much and he needed to take his foot off the gas a bit!
- Elaborate dinners, personalised gifts… I remember discussing with my friends that it’s odd that he’s trying so hard.
- Endless texts, constant GIFs, reels, and check-ins. It felt overwhelming at times.
- Overcompensation: Helping me build pieces for my events, being “the perfect partner”, while secretly living another life.
Expert advice: Psychologists say that overwhelming gestures early in a relationship can indicate manipulation rather than love. If someone is moving faster than you feel comfortable with, it’s okay to slow things down.
The Knock at the Door: Your Boyfriend Cheated!
On Friday the 13th, I opened my door to a stranger. He told me my boyfriend was cheating. I froze. My mouth couldn’t form words. White as a ghost, I just listened. Then my boyfriend walked in, saw my face, and I instantly knew.
That moment… disbelief, shock, the floor falling away, is one I’ll never forget. He obviously denied it all and did all he could to try and convince me it was nonsense. Somehow, he even convinced the woman he was having an affair with to call me and insist it was all a lie… that they were ‘just friends’.
For the first couple of days, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t even know how to feel, just stuck in survival mode. I gathered his things, dropped them off at his flat while he was at work and decided I never wanted to see his face again. After that, I drifted around in a bubble, numb and disconnected from everything.
The breakthrough came the next morning having stayed with my parents. Early morning my mum walked into my old room and gave me a hug in bed. It was at that moment I finally let go….Hard and long. She held me for what felt like an eternity as I cried my heart out as she said “You’re going to be all right, darling.” Boy, did I need that cry! From there… I told my sister what had happened and she and I enjoyed a long walk together as I opened up about everything.
The hardest part in the weeks that followed were the reminders. The bowling alley where we’d been as a family. The restaurants we visited. Everywhere I went, there we were.
How to Cope With Being Cheated On
Coping after you’ve been cheated on isn’t easy, but these strategies helped me regain some kind of control:
- Fitness + routine: Running clears my head. Setting up a singles running club has given me focus and structure to my week. Think about what classes you could join, from hobbies that interest you.
- Talking about it: Sharing my story openly with trusted friends helped me release a lot of toxic energy.
- Time with family and my child: Grounded me and gave me gratitude for what I have.
- Small pleasures: Dancing at home to my favourite playlist and listening to podcasts allowed me reconnect with myself.
- Digital detox to avoid obsessing over socials or stalking your ex.
- Therapy or counselling. Believe me, it really helps!
- Support groups/online communities. Know you’re not alone. Support groups can be a great way to understand from others how they got through the hard days.
❌ Filling every second: Overloading my schedule avoided pain but I wasn’t allowing myself to heal.
Expert tip: Therapists recommend mindful reflection. Writing down feelings, practising meditation, or simply sitting in stillness. It helps you process emotions rather than bury them.
On sharing this with you now, only 2 months after that knock at the door, I know i’m not healed, but every day gets easier. I’ve just reminded myself of the Manifest book I read and talk about in depth in this self-discovery blog. Roxie Nafousi includes an exercise that I really must do in order to put this behind me for good! She says,
“To unblock the path that leads to our most magnificent future, we must let go of the parts of our past that cause us to feel emotions of shame, guilt or anger and instead offer ourselves complete non-judgement and forgiveness.” This exercise requires you to write about any experiences where you’re holding onto these feelings and the lessons you’ve learned. It’s incredible how powerful this is. In fact, i’m going to do as I preach and complete this after i’ve finished this piece!
Self-Healing Toolkit
- Journal daily for 10 minutes (release those bottled emotions).
- Move your body (running, walking, yoga) Remember: consistency beats intensity.
- Create a “comfort playlist” of songs that empower you.
- Lean on your support circle (friends/family/therapist).
- Try something new just for YOU (solo trip, hobby, class).
Learning to Love Yourself After Heartbreak
My therapist once said: “Until you can take yourself on dates and enjoy your own company, you’re not ready for another relationship.”
Self-love isn’t optional; it’s survival.
- You are enough.
- You don’t need a partner to prove your worth.
- Self-love is practice: yoga, journaling, or finishing a film without scrolling endlessly.
Extra tip: Experts suggest doing things you truly enjoy, splurging occasionally on self-care and celebrating achievements, however small.
In my blog ‘From silence to self-love‘ I discuss my own personal journey after my divorce. How I went from coffee dates to finding the confidence to take myself on my first solo holiday! When you know what truly brings you joy, you become stronger, more confident, and free… for life is for living, on your terms!
Rebounds and Lessons Learned
Rebounding too soon taught me a valuable lesson. I was seeking validation, not connection and it flopped. I was the red flag! The takeaway: healing first leads to stronger, healthier relationships later.
Expert advice: Give yourself at least a few months to reset emotionally before starting a new relationship. Notice patterns from past relationships to avoid repeating mistakes.
Tips for Dating After Divorce or Betrayal: Expert Insights
Re-entering the dating scene after a divorce can be both exciting and challenging. To navigate this journey with confidence and clarity, consider the following expert-backed tips:
Set Clear Boundaries
Establishing and maintaining boundaries will help protect your emotional well-being and foster healthy relationships.
- Define Your Limits: Reflect on past experiences to identify what behaviours are acceptable and what are not.
- Communicate Openly & Stay Consistent: Be honest with potential partners about your boundaries and expectations. Reinforce where needed.
Trust Your Instincts
Your gut is usually right! Intuition is a valuable tool, so use it.
- Pay Attention to Red Flags: If something feels off, don’t ignore it.
- Take Your Time: There’s no rush to commit; allow the relationship to develop naturally.
- Talk! Discuss your feelings with trusted friends or a therapist to gain perspective.
Meet Offline When Possible
While online dating offers convenience, meeting in person will give a much clearer sense of compatibility. Shared activities reveal far more about a person and you’ll quickly know if there’s chemistry, rather than wasting time.
- Choose Public Settings: Opt for coffee shops, or local events for first dates. (Check out our first date ideas and first date questions to help)
- Engage in Activities: Participate in hobbies to meet like-minded people. (Take a look at our Singles Events in Hertfordshire)
- Observe Interactions: Pay attention to how your date treats others… this says a lot about them!
Be Honest with Your Children
Introducing a new partner to your children requires careful consideration and open communication. Experts recommend:
- Prepare Your Children: Discuss the idea of dating in an age-appropriate manner, reassuring them of their place in your life.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Explain that meeting someone new doesn’t change your relationship with them
- Take It Slow: Don’t be in a rush. Experts consistently advise waiting 6 to 12 months before introducing a new partner to your children. Long enough to confirm that the connection is stable and likely to last
Final Thoughts: Be Dating Beautiful
Dating after divorce or betrayal is never easy. But every red flag and every stumble becomes part of your growth story. The true breakthrough comes when you fall in love with yourself, because that’s where the most beautiful path begins.
Be Dating Beautiful isn’t just about finding someone new. It’s about creating a life you’re proud of. You are not alone and you’ve absolutely got this! When you’re ready, a community of support and adventure is here for you. Whether you join our Hertfordshire singles events or simply follow along for dating tips, stories, and inspiration, remember this: life doesn’t end after betrayal… it begins again, beautifully.
FAQs About Healing and Dating After Betrayal
How long does it take to heal after being cheated on?
Everyone’s journey is different. Experts say it can take anywhere from a few months to several years depending on the depth of betrayal and whether you seek support like therapy or counselling. The key is not to rush your healing.
Should I date straight after divorce or heartbreak?
Most therapists recommend taking time to process the breakup first. Jumping in too quickly can lead to rebound relationships. A few months of self-reflection, therapy, or simply enjoying solo activities helps build a stronger foundation.
What are the signs of love bombing?
Love bombing often includes over-the-top gestures early on. Lavish gifts, constant messaging, rushing commitment, or making declarations of love too soon. If it feels overwhelming and may be a red flag.
How can I learn to love myself again after betrayal?
Start with small daily acts: journaling, exercise, reconnecting with hobbies, surrounding yourself with supportive people, and reminding yourself that you are enough, without needing validation from someone else.
How do I start loving myself?
Begin by treating yourself the way you’d treat someone you love. With patience, kindness, and encouragement. Practise saying “no” to things that drain you, and “yes” to things that bring joy. Setting healthy boundaries is a powerful first step. Remember: you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love!