During the beginning of my daughter’s preschool year, I was hit with an unexpected reality. She entered a school where parents were already connected, friends were already established, and there was no school directory of phone numbers to connect with parents. I needed to foster friendships for my child…the old school way.
I signed up for every field trip and parent volunteering opportunity and essentially “went back to high school” to start making friends. Ironically, I was not from the area, and it seemed like everyone knew everyone from high school.
Parents may already be established with great friendships but need to build more for their child. Despite being a child psychologist specializing in social anxiety, it was still an uncomfortable feeling walking into a room and knowing no one. But I knew the science. The science tells us that repeated exposure to anxiety triggers eventually lowers anxiety. So I did it, and I faced my fears. One of the many benefits of parenthood is that life is literally a constant exposure.
Why It Is Worth It: Long-Term Benefits
Before I have any client begin treatment, we always start with an honest pros and cons list. I am going to do a quick version for you right now.
I do not need to quote science articles to prove to you that anxiety is incredibly high amongst children these days. Anxiety is one of the most common forms of mental health disorders worldwide in children (roughly 6%, depending on the research study), with the two most common being separation anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder (Garcia et al., 2021). Research suggests untreated separation anxiety increases the probability of developing social anxiety. If it is hard to leave your parent, you have little opportunity to develop the confidence or distress tolerance to explore the world, particularly friendships and social environments.
Through our own exposures, we can change our child’s future.
Family Transmission of Anxiety
How we approach anxiety-provoking, unknown, or uncontrollable situations sends a strong message to our children. They will model our approach to the world. If we send a message of elevated anxiety, they will notice this and respond in a similar way. If we send a message of avoidance or doubt in our own abilities, they will notice this and respond in a similar way. The family transmission of anxiety is one of the strongest known risk factors for childhood disorder and may be the best target for prevention and intervention (Garcia et al., 2021).
Why Is It Hard? Difficulty Breaking the Cycle
We clearly love our children. And we know that if we are willing to do our own exposures, it can improve our children’s lives. Why is making mom friends so hard? Well, we may have been able to make friends at some points in our life, but have struggled to make friends in other types of situations. Parenting is a different stage of life with new obstacles. No longer do we simply worry about the impact of social blunders on ourselves, we now worry that saying or doing the wrong thing could hurt our child’s relationships.
Social anxiety is the fear of being negatively evaluated or embarrassed in social situations. When we experience social anxiety when trying to make mom friends, we want to avoid making a negative impression which could risk success of future playdates. These social situations may involve additional nuances we have not yet experienced leading to anxious questioning:
- What if they don’t like me and then they tell their kids to stay away from my kid? What if we become friends, but later realize it is a poor fit due to different family values? How do I express family values without offending someone else? How do I handle any conflicts that arise?
It may seem easier to avoid all of this by simply allowing our child to make friends at school and “hope for the best.” However, as I noted earlier, we are trying to break a cycle, and your preparation for this exposure can help show your children how to manage their own problems with anxiety. Also, each social exposure leads to a wealth of knowledge that leaves us better prepared for the next time.
Would You Mind If We Exchange Numbers?
I am going to walk you through the process of making some great mom friends.
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Preparing for the conversation. As I noted in the previous section, there are several anxious thoughts surfacing before meeting someone new. Analyzing these thoughts prior to the situations helps us approach them. Cognitive restructuring, a common procedure used in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), allows you to question your dysfunctional thinking in a systematic way. It is not replacing bad thought with good thoughts. The focus is simply on making thoughts more realistic.
For example, when faced with a scary thought that predicts a negative outcome, we can ask ourselves:
What is the likelihood that this will really happen?
- If it did happen, could I cope with it?
- Have I coped with something similar before?
- If this worst-case scenario did occur, how would I handle it?
- How much does it feel like it will happen, but realistically will likely not?
Notably, all of this can be done out loud near our children. Move the internal dialogue outside, let them hear your thoughts, your distress, management of the anxiety, then problem solving. We need to share anxiety as normal before meeting someone new and we share our confidence in handling the anxiety.
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The art of small talk. A short, casual conversation with someone that can blossom into relationships. The wonderful thing about making mom friends is you already have one thing in common to talk about: being a mom. You can explore topics about their kids, their involvement in the school or local community, or simply comment on what is happening around you or the weather. The topics are endless. Small talk will lead into longer conversations and, in turn, getting to know the other parent and potentially setting up a playdate.
For example:
“Which kiddo is yours?”
“Is this your first year at the school?”
“Have you been to this park before?”
“The kids are going crazy over that slide, definitely cannot do that at my age anymore.”
“What beautiful weather today!”
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Asking for future contact.
“Would you mind if we exchange numbers?” This is the question that solidifies taking the next step. And it can be a challenging one. But if you ask this friendly question, it secures a data point in your brain that you indeed can do this, be successful, and prove the anxious thoughts are wrong. We also need to be mindful of dysfunctional thinking that surfaces around a number exchange and challenge accordingly.For example:
- If the person says no, it does not mean that I’ve done anything wrong. In fact, I was being friendly.
- Just because I have this person’s number does not mean I am locked into this friendship.
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Set up a public playdate. Do not wait to for the other person to connect. Follow up with a message like “Great to meet you. The kids had so much fun playing with each other. I would love to set up another time for the kids to hang out.” If you are uncertain if this family would be a good fit for your family, make the playdates in public places. This also allows for more conversations, more connection, and, ultimately, more learning for your brain.
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Copy, paste, repeat. To increase your chances of success, you might have to do this with number of moms. Making friends is, in part, a numbers game because we won’t be a good fit for everyone, and everyone won’t be a good fit for us. So by modeling this behavior, we encourage our children to approach more social situations. Our absence of social situations may lead our children to become dependent or avoidant, specifically in social situations. They need to practice appropriate social behaviors, learn small talk, and learn that they can still function despite feeling anxious.
An update on my journey. Would I consider myself the “popular mom” at my child’s school? Absolutely not. But I will say that I am known, and I know faces, and they know mine. I have a few parents’ numbers in my phone as well. Ultimately, my kid has learned that her mom could feel anxious, confidently cope and still approach a hard situation.
If you continue to struggle with making mom friends because of social anxiety, consider finding a CBT therapist to help you overcome your fears. The National Social Anxiety Center has certified regional clinics that can help.
Citation
Garcia, KM, Carlton, CN and Richey, JA. (2021). Parenting Characteristics among Adults with Social Anxiety and Their Influence on Social Anxiety Development in Children: A Brief Integrative Review. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12.