According to the American Psychiatric Association, one in three people experience persistent loneliness. Other polls show that close to 60% report feeling lonely at least some of the time. At work, surveys show eight out of ten employees feel isolated and disconnected.
It’s well-known that feeling lonely hurts our health and performance. People experiencing loneliness are less likely to work efficiently and struggle mentally and emotionally to stay present. They’re also three times more likely to have low job satisfaction and much more likely to have mental and physical health issues. These effects became so pervasive that in 2023 that the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness an “epidemic.”
The result has been an explosion of books, whitepapers, and advice on how to reduce loneliness, all with a well-intended refrain: “Connect more.” The result is that we’ve shifted the burden to individuals to solve their own loneliness by encouraging them to reengage with others, put themselves out there, or get involved in their communities.
In workplaces, this advice has led to more meetings and increased usage of technological platforms promising community. One report showed that since 2020, Americans time spent in meetings tripled. The daily usage of the business messaging app Slack increased from 12 million to 32 million in just a few years and the average adult now sends 30-40 messages to peers per day.
We’re more connected than ever, but we’re increasingly lonely. What have we missed?
It’s not “loneliness,” it’s feeling that you don’t matter
We can have frequent interactions and still feel lonely. Research conducted by psychologist Alexander Danvers shows that the quantity of connections doesn’t drive feelings of loneliness, the quality does. That’s probably why one study showed that participants’ feelings of loneliness increased as their meeting load did.
So, what makes a quality interaction? A defining feature is experiencing what psychologists call companionate love, being on the receiving end of behaviors like attention, respect, affirmation, and compassion. In one study of 750 work groups, the only variable that significantly reduced loneliness and increased performance was whether employees experienced companionate love from their peers or leaders.
In other words, the opposite of loneliness is not having more people around you but feeling significant to those around you—feeling truly seen, heard, and valued. Loneliness isn’t a result of a lack of social contact; it’s a result of a lack of perceived social value to others.
For example, a connection of mine recently moved to another country. When I asked what it was like, she said, “I actually feel welcomed everywhere and included in conversations. I’ve made a lot of new friends, but just feel invisible, like no one really sees or knows me.”
We’ve all had that uneasy feeling of sitting in a room full of people, maybe even friends, and realizing that no one truly sees or knows us.
This feeling of being insignificant to others has a name. Psychologist Gordon Flett calls it anti-mattering, the sense that you’re unseen, unheard, or unvalued by those around you. The opposite of anti-mattering is the experience of mattering—feeling significant to those around you that comes from feeling valued and knowing how you add value.
Polls show close to 42% of people feel “left out,” 30% feel “invisible” at work, 39% say they don’t have someone at work who cares about them as a person, and more than half of respondents in one poll said that no one knows them well.
We aren’t facing a “loneliness epidemic.” We’re facing a mattering deficit. Too many of us feel overlooked, ignored, and unvalued in our daily interactions.
And that’s actually good news. It means that we’re all partly responsible for the solution to loneliness, beginning with how we show up in our next interaction.
The way forward: creating more moments of mattering
Take a moment and think about when you most feel that you matter to others.
If you’re like the many people we’ve interviewed and surveyed, you’re not thinking about getting a pay increase, an employee-of-the-month award, or a gift from a friend. You’re likely thinking about small instances when someone offered you compassion and support, took the time to truly listen to you, reminded you of your strengths or talents, or told you how much you mean to them.
Mattering happens in moments. In research for my book The Power of Mattering, I uncovered three defining features of interactions in which we feel that we matter: Feeling noticed (seen and heard), feeling affirmed (being shown how our unique gifts make a difference), and feeling needed (knowing someone relies on us).
If we want to start to finally reduce loneliness, start with noticing, affirming, and showing people how they’re needed in your daily interactions. Here’s how to start.
Be a noticer. Noticing is taking an interest in and paying attention to the details, ebbs, and flows of someone else’s life and showing them that you remember them. Noticing starts with acknowledging people. Slow down and learn your delivery driver’s name. Make eye contact and say hello to the hundreds of workers who make daily life possible—from custodians and baristas to construction workers and teachers. If a colleague is out sick, schedule time to check in on how they’re doing and offer support.
As you encounter and engage with people ask deeper questions than “How are you?” or “How’s it going?” and try to ask clear, open, and exploratory questions like, “What has your attention today?” “What’s been most meaningful to you today?” or “What are you struggling with and how can I help?” And make sure to check back in on what you notice about people.
Affirm people. Affirmation shows people how their uniqueness makes a unique difference. It’s different than general appreciation or recognition. Start with saying better “thank yous” by going a step further to name the person’s unique gifts and tell them exactly how they make a difference for you. Everyone gives us four gifts every day: their strengths, their purpose, their perspective, and their wisdom. People who show people how they matter regularly illuminate in others what they don’t see in themselves.
Remind people that they’re needed. Think of someone you rely on in your life or work. When was the last time you told them? Try saying “If it wasn’t for you…” and show them how they add value to your life or work and watch what happens. You’ll see the power of mattering.
There’s an added benefit to showing people how they matter in these ways: You start to see how you matter. It’s a boomerang effect known as the “complementarity principle” in relationships. The more we start noticing, affirming, and showing others how they’re needed, the more they’ll start doing it for us.
And that’s how we’ll tackle loneliness—one moment of mattering at a time.
Zach Mercurio is a professor, researcher, and author of The Power of Mattering: How Leaders Can Create a Culture of Significance (Harvard Business Review Press).